Moms: Let’s Stop Judging Each Other!

After reading this post over at the Heir to Blair my heart went out to her.  You see, I’ve been there—a work-outside-of-the-home mom. And it’s though. Really tough. I totally get the guilt and frustration it can cause.  I also get how exhausted you are at the end of the day.  But I also think I have a unique perspective because while I was a work-outside-of-the-home for 3 years, I am now a stay-at-home-mom. (Do I sub one day a week, but that’s just for my sanity and because my MIL wanted to watch the boys one day a week still—perfection!) I am lucky to have such a great gig. Incredibly L.U.C.K.Y.  As a mom who has been in both positions, I will just say each has their pros and cons and leave it at that for now.

Here’s what killed me, absolutely KILLED me about Blair’s post. It was the comments. The judgmental ones. I kills me that we moms judge each other so much. Now granted some of the comments could have been from people who do not have children, and let’s be honest, they have no clue what they are talking about and I can dismiss those.  But some of the commenters where very specific about having children, so we know they are moms (or maybe dads). And some of the things those moms or dads said…Oh my. The GALL of some people. 

Here’s an example:

I’m just curious about something here. Why isn’t you not working an option (I know, kinda personal, maybe you make more money than your hubby). But the work seems to be at the base of every problem you complain about. So quit. You don’t NEED the double income, no one NEEDS two incomes in a family. You just want one so you can keep buying pretty shoes and trendy hair bands, keeping your kid in the coolest clothes, and your hubby with the newest golf clubs. Life is about finding balance, and learning what is most important to you. You say it’s time with your kid, so than spend time with the kid.

Two things that got my feathers ruffled here.

1) Really? You don’t NEED two incomes? WHAT? You don’t know the financial situation of other families.  A lot of families out there can’t survive on one income, especially in this economy.  And they DO NEED two incomes to make ends meet. And they should be made to feel guilty about that.  Yes, we are now a one income family. BUT we are doing A LOT of scrimping , pinching pennies, and rearranging of expenses. We are sacrificing quite a bit to make it happen. And? Here’s the other thing.  I am a teacher, so once the boys both get into school, I will go back to work full-time. It’ll be a perfect situation again—on the same schedule as the boys.  But some, no most, moms don’t have that luxury. Their careers aren’t so mom-friendly.  And you know what? At that point my family will NEED the two incomes because you know what we aren’t able to do right now on one income? Save for college. 

2) Apparently this whole comment isn’t even true, but even if it was, who cares? It’s none of your business why moms work.  If they choose to work or if they have to work—not your concern folks.  Priorities are different for everyone.  Some people might work because they want to be able to take their families on nice vacations. Well, I can’t fault them for that.  Think of the value of the cultural  experiences, think of what you learn by visiting national parks. Honestly, I have big plans for vacations I want to take the boys on. That’s another reason I’ll be going back to work when they get in school. And some moms might work to give their kids nice things.  And if that’s what they want, then more power to them.  And? I’ll just say it. Some moms are not cut out to stay at home and, likewise, some are not cut out to work outside of the home.  Love, love, love my boys, but I couldn’t get out of the house to sub fast enough today. They were driving me batty.  I need this one day away to keep my sanity. Some moms may not need to work for the money, but they might need to for the sanity.  I get that, and, even if I didn’t get it, not my place to judge.

Another example of a comment that made my blood pressure boil:

Blair has blogged about at least two weekends away without Harrison since he was born. I (and most moms I know) have had exactly zero weekends away from my baby at almost a year old; I already have very limited time with my daughter and I cherish what I do have. I would miss her if I went away.
Then again, I didn’t have the severe PPD/PPA issues, which I imagine would make you want to escape in a bad way so that’s a different situation that I don’t claim to understand.

Wait a minute. Hold the phone. Did this person really just insinuate that you have post partum issues to need time away from your kids? I can imagine that MAYBE, just MAYBE that might exacerbate the situation (and I am totally speculating here) but what mom out there can’t say she needs some time to herself? If you raised your hand, you are LYING. I’m just going to go ahead and call you on it. We all not only WANT some me time, but we NEED it as well. In fact I’ll just go out on a limb and say that I’m a better mom & wife when I get my me time. And how dare we judge moms who leave their kids for an evening to go out for some girl time. Or on a date with their husbands. Or whatever they need  to do to have some time for themselves. And if a mom takes a weekend away to go to a conference, or a scrapbooking retreat, or a shopping trip once in a while, well, that’s her prerogative. More power to her. Heck, my husband & I have been known to take vacations without the boys. GASP! Judge if you want, but it has, dare I say, saved our marriage. We all love our kids, but sometimes we moms and dads need a break, yes?

My bottom line? This motherhood gig is hard enough no matter which side of the working fence you are on.  We mommas need to be supporting each other, not tearing each other down.  So the next time a mom is doing something you wouldn’t dream of, try to remember, you are doing something with your family & kids that another mom wouldn’t dream of. We are all different.  Need different things. Want different things. Have different priorities. And just like with a society, shouldn’t we embrace our differences?

Say No to Double Strollers!*

(*Not THIS particular double stroller, just double strollers in general.)

Today was the last straw.  I will quit running before I run with the boys in the double stroller again anytime soon. What’s that you ask? You want to know why? Well, let me just give you my two (Yes there are only 2) reasons I’m going on this little strike.

1) It is an absolute mad house zoo three-ring circus getting all three of us ready to go.

I have to wrangle the boys, get them dressed, get socks & shoes put on them, get my contacts in, put my running clothes & shoes on,  pour sippies of something to drink, pack a snack for the boys, grab the blankies, grab some small toys, put jackets on the boys, open the garage and push the double stroller out, close the garage, grab all the above mentioned crap, shoo the boys out the door, grab my keys and iPhone, get the boys buckled into the stroller, hand out all their “goodies”, get my headphones in ears, turn on the iPod, and start my Joglog.

Fun, eh?

2) Getting them to sit still and just enjoy the ride AT THE SAME TIME is next to impossible.

I am still at the point that running is a challenge for me. I can usually run 2 or 2.5 miles and consider it an easy run. BUT I need to focus, concentrate on breathing correctly. NOT GONNA HAPPEN WITH THE MUNCHKINS. EVER. This is my 2 mile run on a typical day.

9:00—Start running (Goes pretty smoothly until the snack is gone.)

9:13—Help 17mo find his sippy cup

9:15—Pick up said sippy cup out of the street 17mo threw it into & put it in the cup holder with me so he can’t throw it again.

9:15-9:23—17mo throws a fit for the sippy cup.

9:23—17mo finds his blankie & all is well with the world.

9:25—3yo asks me the 3,564th question since we began the run. I answer the question only to get the 3,565th question of the run. 

9:26—Turn the iPod up to tune out the incessant question asking by the 3yo. (Yes, I do this & I don’t care if you think it is mean. You aren’t there. You don’t know. And the questions are NEVER important. And I can still hear him if by some chance is ever was important. He just thinks I can’t hear him.)

9:29—Tell 3yo to stop messing with his brother.

9:30—Tell 3yo to stop messing with his brother in a stronger tone.

9:31—Stop my run, look into 3yo’s eyes, and tell him to stop messing with his brother or we aren’t playing outside when we get home.

9:35—Stop my run to pick up the train 17mo has thrown in the street.

9:41—Again with the questions

9:44—17mo hits 3yo—crying ensues

9:46—Return home vowing to NEVER run with the boys again.

So, be honest. Do you blame me? My new plan is to go on my runs as soon as my husband gets home from work. Ahhh, nice, peaceful runs. The absolute bliss.

“Wawk”

If I think about this too hard, I get a little watery-eyed. My three-year-old is PRECIOUS and in the midst of this trying age where he is testing boundaries night and day (and I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind), I sometimes forget just how precious he really is. And sometimes I get a much needed reminder. Last night was one of those times.

Last night he slept for the first time in big boy underwear (and no changing sheets this morning either!) He woke up at 2:30 hollering “Momma” because he needed to go pee pee. Annoyed because he doesn’t get that he could do this on his own just yet, I got out of my cozy, warm bed and stumbled down the hall to his room to get him. All I wanted to do was get him to the bathroom and then get back in bed. As he washed his hands, he kept telling me he wanted to “wawk”. I kept guessing what we meant. Walk? Work? Water? I couldn’t figure it out. I was frustrated at this point because I was clueless as to what he was telling me, and I also realized going straight back to bed was probably going to be a struggle.

Now, I need to back up here and say that when he tells me something that I don’t understand, I always tell him to show me. So, when I couldn’t figure out what “wawk” was, and I was just trying to shuttle him back to bed, he said, “Let me show you.” and proceeded to run into the living room. You moms out there can relate to my mood at this point; you know how grumpy I was that he was fighting me on going back to bed. All I could think about was the fact that I had to be up in three hours.

But then he did something that is making me tear up as I type this. My non-snuggly boy who I have always had to BEGGGG to let me hold him (even as a baby he wasn’t big on being held) ran to the recliner, patted it, looked at me, and said, “Wawk”. My heart melted. M.E.L.T.E.D. The annoyance was gone. My attitude immediately changed. He wanted me to rock him. And of course I obliged. Gladly. I didn’t care that it was 2:30 in the morning anymore. My baby wanted me to hold him. Rock him. Scratch his back. I could have held him all night.

Yes, sometimes I need those little moments that make me realize life goes too fast, and kids grow up too fast. If I get a little less sleep very little sleep in this phase of life, it will be okay. If my house isn’t perfectly clean (okay a mess), my kids won’t care. If we eat out every now and then, it isn’t the end of the world. There is a country song by Trace Adkins that my husband reminds me of every now and again, especially when it seems like life is getting too chaotic. The chorus goes like this:

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

And, yes, I am going to miss this. I am going to miss my precious son being three. I already miss him being a baby. Savor the moments, Jami. Stop when everything around you is a whirlwind and savor the moments.

Breaking News!

Hello! Thelma here with some breaking news.

Louise had her little bambino this morning! Don't have all the details yet. . . All I know is that she was only in labor for about 2-3 hours! I will post more as I know more.

Congrats Louise & Family!!